Courage

If I had the courage, I'd tell you that you are beautiful.
From the way your eyes disappear with glee when you laugh, to the way you purse your lips while deep in thought.
From the way you twist your fingers to the scars on each one, symbolizing yet another amazing feat you accomplished.
The way you say my name, the way you say your own name. So simple, yet with the power to move every mountain that surrounds the heavily guarded fortress I call my heart.
Some how I always knew it would come to this.
This confession.
I could use every word in every dictionary in every language, and still couldn't describe the feeling that comes over me when I see you.
My heart actually skips a beat.
I feel it flutter.
Then my breath quickens with my pulse.
As I recall our previous encounter a smirk creeps across my face and I begin to nibble on my bottom lip.
I wet my lips.
Praying that this act won't be in vain and they finally get the satisfaction of meeting yours.
All this happens in the second before we embrace.
I clear my mind of all these irrelevant factors and turn my attention to you.
You always have it.
All of it.
Even when you think I'm on my phone, or watching television.
You always have my full attention.
Painstakingly I watch and admire your beauty from a distance.
Never allowing myself to show you how I feel.
I must remain composed.
I must remain focused.
I know you have the ability to make me throw all sensibility out the window.
I also know that once I start I won't be able to stop.
So I wait.
Yet no matter how much it hurts, I can't let go.
I could never leave you.
Ever.
If you need me you know I'll be there.
Always.
If I had the courage, I would show you how much you mean to me.
But I'm afraid of losing you.
So I play your game, by your rules, and do everything in my power just to keep up.

Purposefully Untitled

When I try to write about you it never comes out poetically.
It always just spills out in a huge emotional blob.
Waterfall even.
Hoover freakin dam.
Because once I start, there's no stopping.
I wish I could tell you all that comes to my mind without losing it.
I wish you would tell me what I want to hear, and end my suffering.
Once and for all.
I can see the possibility of perfection, if we just let go of inhibition, and acquiesce to intuition.
See cause in my tummy, where there used to be butterflies, now reside mature fantasies, distant memories, lovely tendencies, and that little bit of jealousy.
This scares me.
I don't get jealous.
I make them get jealous.
I never knew I could be so protective of someone who needs virtually no protection.
But then again maybe you do.
You said you needed me.
I believe you because thats the easiest thing to do.
It also seems to be the only thing I can do.
For some reason I can't wrap my mind around the fact that you would ever intentionally hurt me.
I love the way that feels.
I feel like I could get lost with you.
I could lose myself to you.
In you.
For you.
Around you.
Within you.
I don't know what I'm saying, and I don't know how it sounds.
I feel like I'm talking in circles.
Around and Around I go.
But there's no stopping it.
Endless and repetitive merry-go-round.
I'm spinning.
I'm dizzy.
I'm yours.

Jesse

“Man, I don’t love them hoes,” he scoffed in the dim light of the room. The air was thick with smoke and indifference. His closest friends surrounded him, vaguely following the conversation with dazed smirks on their faces. It had been a long night. Longer than any night Jesse had seen in years. From school to work to the club to after parties to the liquor store to the alleys to the cab back to his home. He sat in semi-concentration, pondering on his last utterance. These words were all too familiar to his lips, but suddenly they disturbed him. Not enough to make him take them back, but just enough to keep him awake that night.
He didn’t love the hoes. He lived for the moment, and only the moment. He couldn’t care less about the feelings of this one or that one. They knew what they were getting into long before they got into it. How could they blame him for his nonchalance? He lay in his bed trying to convince himself that every one of the females deserved the treatment he gave. Each one managed to screw up one way or the other, and he knew that it was always only a matter of time before the new fling became the old thing. This never bothered him before. But oddly, the more he thought about it, he felt incomplete. He decided to call his mother.
“Hey Ma, uhm I was just calling to say hi. I know its pretty late but there was something on my mind and I wanted to talk to you about it. I guess I’ll just call back tomorrow. Love you…” was the message he left. Jesse decided he wouldn’t figure out this massive problem in one night and forced himself to sleep. Deep in slumber, a dream came to him. In this dream he was lost in the jungle, running madly from something. A creature maybe? He couldn’t tell for sure, but he knew he couldn’t stop running. Up ahead he saw a clearing in the trees and he felt grateful that maybe he could finally see what was chasing him. He reached the clearing, and came to an abrupt halt. The jungle ended and as he peered over the edge, the cliff he was standing on dropped 100 feet into raging rapids. Jesse panicked. He had nowhere to go. The thing would get him. He heard a rustling in the trees behind him signaling the approach of the foreboding. With no time to think Jesse crouches down into the fetal position. But just before he ducks his head he sees the thing leap over his head and take flight across the canyon to the other side. Jesse looks up to see what was chasing him. It was him. Well not exactly him. The him he was running from was a bit more valiant and proud. He held his head high in the morning sun and his smile betrayed a brilliance that only comes from inner peace. Jesse stood confused and stared at his better side. The figure across the canyon smiled, then turned around and kept running.
“BRRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!” Jesse awoke to the ringing of the phone.
“Hello..” he groggily moaned.
“Hi baby! Did I wake you?” his mom’s shrill voice sang through the receiver.
“Uhmm yea, but it’s ok. How are you ma?”
“I’m fine baby. You know all I need is the Lord and my babies. How are you?”
“I thought I was ok, but I’m not so sure anymore. Can I ask you something ma?”
“Anything baby”
“You ever felt confused? Like about life in general?” Jesse asked, hoping he didn’t sound too ridiculous.
“Well, I’m not exactly sure what you mean Jay. Can you explain?”
“I don’t know Ma. Lately I’ve just been feeling like I haven’t been myself. Or the me I have been isn’t the me that I really am, if that makes any sense.”
“Oh, I see. Well baby, there’s only one thing you can do. You have to figure out who you are. Then decide to love yourself, no matter what anyone thinks.”
Jesse pauses for a long while, deep in thought, he’s interrupted by his mother.
“Baby? Are you still there?”
“Huh? Oh yea Ma, I was just thinking about what you said.”
“Oh I see. Well I’m glad to be of assistance. But Jay I have an appointment with Sister Harris, so can I call you back?”
“Oh sure, no prob. I love you Ma.”
“I love you more baby, bye-bye.”
Jesse listens to the phone click then slowly takes it away from his ear. Laying back on his pillow, he marinates in his mother’s advice. The thing that was eating him up was the fact that he didn’t really know who he was. He knew who his friends were, what his accomplishments had brought him, what his actions portrayed him as and even how he got to where he was. But who was he?

The Soul of my Heart and Body

My heart flies, but my body stays here.
My feet, firmly planted beneath me, reach deep down into the Earth, intertwining and interweaving, grabbing hold of the vibrancy that lives in the soil, and with it, I grow.
And as the sun comes up, I stretch my arms tall and wide, above the tops of the greenery to meet it. Its rays paint me golden, while I gratefully accept all my sun offers me. Drinking its light to protect myself from the dark.
When it rains, I am unworthy. The heavens open up, and liquid perfection drains from them. I soak up each drop with meaningful resolution and harness the power of this gentle, yet forceful element.

With these connections, I grow. I grow strong and tall. I grow fast and I grow peacefully. I am grounded. And still, as my heart flies, my body remains rooted to this Earth.

Blessed the gracefulness of a nighthawk, and the delicacy of a butterfly, my heart flies.
Into and out of danger it floats.
Barely escaping the grasp of hasty thieves, hoping to capture it, and frame its beauty.
It floats over streams and valleys, meadows, lakes, and mountains.
Through rain, sleet, hail, snow.
Through fire.
My rebellious heart battles this fire, knowing that victory may not result, willing to accept the burn of yet another battle scar.
The battle wages on war, and the flames get impatient. They are ready to devour my poor little heart.
Backed into a corner, I only have one thing to offer this monster. Love.

Love of self. Love of life. Love of love.

My heart emerges victorious because love is what its filled with. Love is what it carries so serenely through the landscapes and atmospheres of this world.
Love is what navigates it through the nights when its far from home, and the air grows cold. Love is what fuels it, to fly.

And fly.
And fly.

My heart flies.
but my body, remains rooted, to this Earth.

You Made Me

She was just a child, innocent and pure.
The elegance of her rhetoric and forward thinking had you under their spell, and you believed she was so far ahead of her time.
She perched, ladylike and effervescent, on your pedestal, proud was she to be the apple of your eye, at least until the next piece of ripe fruit made your mouth water.
Creative and inventive, she was impressed by your actions.
But alas, these things never last, and as quickly as it had begun, it was over.
Now she trusts no one. Selfish and impulsive, she puts her feelings first. If theirs get hurt in the process, they probably deserved.
She has no regrets, and she has no issue with their addiction to the poison. That’s a personal problem.
Her ideas are no longer innocent. Her motives no longer pure. Cruel intentions shaded by insincere smiles. She lives for the moment.
But don’t you dare judge her. You made her this way.

Then he came along and stole the stars just to make her eyes light up at night.
Like a whirlwind, he took her and spun her in circles, leaving a dizzy feeling that made her knees buckle when he smiled.
Carelessly, she threw away all the walls she had built up to protect herself, how else would she let him in?
And let him in she did. Foolishly believing that he’d let her in as well. That her walls wouldn’t be the only ones to shatter, sacrificing themselves for happiness.
And he fed into it, giving just enough to keep her coming back, never too much as to upset the balance of things.
A treacherous and slippery slope this thing called life becomes when we lose our senses. Dangerous and unchartered, the land of emotions is a vicious forest we fight not to get lost in.
He was the one that got away. The one that, for all intents and purposes, could have made her weak.
But he was too far gone, just out of her reach, and steadily moving further and further away.
Chasing him was out of the question, so she made the first adult decision of her life…she let him go.
But it wasn’t that simple.
For, he left a void, a space that needed to be filled. A lie that needed to be told.
So she became the pretty, poisonous flower that’s attracts most passersby, warning them to stay away. But do they listen?
Logically, they choose to fall, they choose to take another hit. And she obliges.
With no remorse, she feeds their habits.
But you, don’t judge her.
For you made her this way.

As in uffish thought I stood...

I thought it'd never be the same, once I had gone against the grain and played by my own rules.
Who's to say I hadn't invested my feelings into it equally?
I just knew when to take my light back, I knew I had to shine on my own once again.
It didn't make any sense to lose our heads when we had already put our hearts on the line.
Your's shot out the starting gate like a winning steed, mine a little slow at first, but soon in stride with yours.
This was the time when we had it all, and forever seemed to be found in each other's eyes.
In your arms were my inhibitions, and in my hand was your compassion.
What a delightful way to be.
Oh how I dreamt that we would be that way forever.
My dreams were haunted with images of you and I at our best, glowing from the inside out because we knew we had each other.
But times change.
And as swiftly as Spring had swept us up and carried us off into the green pastures to awe in its beauties, and Summer had whisked us away in a frenzy of heat, romance and unpredictability,
Fall came, with its crusting leaves and whipping winds to snatch the green from our pastures, and replace it with a dull brown.
Leaving us to attempt to regrow our seeds that normally thrived on sunshine.
Then the snow came.
Neither of us was prepared for such a season.
We grew colder with the thick of winter, and created a distance inhabited by frozen dreams, forgotten even after they thawed.
Nowadays we don't even know each other.
Sometimes I wonder...
what if we had never ventured?

Chocolate

Listening to this song reminds me of you. Putting on this shirt reminds me of you. Watching that video, reading that story, seeing those hats remind me of you. Eating this candy reminds me of you. You with your boyish smile that melts my heart and tells me you can do no wrong. You take this assumption of mine and run with it. While I’m admiring your ebony skin, you’re stand-offish attitude reels me in, and before I know it, I lose my motive. You said you’re too smooth to get lost in my eyes, but I never believed you. The fact of the matter is I’m as capable of rendering you powerless as you are me, so we struggle. We struggle and we fight because neither of us is selfless enough to give in to the other. Neither of us is strong enough to let the other take lead. I must admit, I’d let you take lead, if I thought you knew where to lead us. And the saga continues.

Then, every so often I lose interest, or am unable to give in where you want me to, and I tell myself I’m through. I’m through, and so are you for thinking I would ever go that far. That, however, only lasts a little while. Long enough for me to remember how adorable you are when you let me win. How much of me is lost when I see you. How much of me is taken when you walk away. Then I realize that I could never let you go, never lose this mountain of ambiguity that I am steadily climbing, positive that on the other side is peace, harmony, and chocolate. Endless chocolate. My addictive habits leak over into my sensibility, and before I know it, my face, my hands, my heart, are covered in chocolate. I need my daily dosage to stay sane. Delicious and sweet, the only time I ever regret our encounters is when my stomach is aching after an overdose.

If only I knew why you were so willing to share with me that which makes me fly, only to snatch it away when the delight of satisfaction is painted on my face. Then I feel used, abused, and ill at ease. I turn, with my tail between my legs and run back to my senses. They cradle me, and give me faith. I begin to believe that I am stronger than my addiction, and I want control again. I think I have it. I am content with the ball in my court. Then you saunter up to the hoop, begging me to play a game with you. One-on-one. How can I deny such a challenge? How can I turn my back on that sweet, innocent, delectable chocolate?