Jonesing

What does it mean to have "feelings" for someone?  They could be feelings of lust, feelings of disgust, or feelings of nonchalance.  When someone says "I got feelings for him" or "Damn, I caught feelings for her" what are they trying to say? Does it imply the beginnings of emotional attachment? Or is it just a step past liking someone?  Have I ever caught feelings? I honestly can't say that I know because of my nature.  I tend to squirm from the situation before it gets too serious, that way I won't have to deal with the trouble that comes with "feelings".  But without this defense mechanism, where do I stand? Would I be just another one of the "emotional" females that I claim to disdain?  Is my stand-offish nature the only thing that stops me from catching feelings?

Now about the swagg.  I think to an extent almost everyone has it, but some have it stronger than others.  Mine is the one that plays it cool in most situations, but hides when its to my benefit.  I've learned to manipulate it to get what I want most of the time.  Then came the day when the swagg couldn't save me because it was scared.  It took me a long time to admit that to myself, but yes, my swagg was scared.  Scared of being replaced by those emotion thingies.  So it laid low, while I toyed with the idea of hanging it up.  Thankfully when I needed it most, it came to my rescue, but that was definitely a close call.  Now I won't leave home without it, like a Visa.   

So I watch the romantic comedies, and read the novels, admiring the adoration and love that is fictitiously created to give faith to the hopefuls, and disprove the cynics.  I enjoy these things, and think about how one day, the perfect idea of romance and happiness will all be mine.  Like a fairytale almost.  But deep down I know that I would be lucky enough just to have unrequited love.  Not happy, but lucky.  I don't know much about this love thing, but people search their whole lives to find it, die for it, kill for it, and cry for it.  So Im assuming its something serious.  To care for someone else more than I care for myself sounds absolutely ridiculous to me right now...but maybe one day it'll make sense.

Now, although I have never experienced this type of love, I don't believe it should be taken lightly, mistaken, or misused.  When people are together for all of two weeks and profess undying love for each other, lets be serious.  Who do you think you're fooling? Not me.  And love at first sight? More like lust at first sight.  Honestly though, there's no way you can know by looking at someone once that they will make you happy beyond belief.  I find that impossible to believe.  And then comes the question...how do you know when you're in love?  Do sparks fly, and butterflies take over your stomach?  And then how do you believe someone who tells you that they love you? That word can be the cause of ecstasy or it can be the cause of misery.  Do you chose which it will be? Or does the word have that privilege as well?